For the past five months my brain has been misbehaving. Terribly. It has been acting rather as if I have had a stroke. Except that I haven't. The scans show that I have suffered no stroke, don't have Alzheimer's and am tumor-, hemorrhage- and embolism-free.
Those medical clearances are very reassuring. But there are many "buts."
Some examples, all language-related:
1. For four months I lost the ability to read. My reading style has always been unique to me - I take/took snapshots of pages. Everything went into my head at once; I did not really focus on words. One day I was at my parents home; my mother asked why I was carrying the same book for the third day. I wasn't sure. She told me to open it and read. I just stayed on the page. "It isn't going in, is it?', she asked. "No", I said, only then really becoming aware that I wasn't just tired or needing new glasses. "I don't know what to do." "You're going to have to read like everybody else", Mother said. I had no idea how to do that. She showed me. It doesn't work well for me. I have arrived at some hybrid that makes my head hurt. But between my broken camera-brain and some left to right scanning, I capture most of the page, slowly.
2. I stopped being able to read music, which I had just relearned.
3. Simple math. This showed up in making change at checkouts. Am I smarter than a fifth grader? Tying for third grade at the moment.
4. My spelling became a mess in general. And odd in particular. At first it was a brain-motor speed issue. Gineral for general. I'd have typed fast knowing that I'm an expert speller, that my brain and sentences can forge ahead of my fingers. Then my eyes catch up and nothing makes sense. Unfortunately, things got worse. Words became confusing. Should I use two or to or too in that sentence? Hmm. Would be funny if I weren't a writer. Ain't cute.
There is much more. This bores even me.
Neuropsychological testing shows that I have severe attentional problems, am bright (compromised - more about that later), have great language skills (compromised) and a great attitude (this, too, shall pass!).
So this will be a journey to reclaim my gray matter. I have no idea how it will go. I don't know how much of it - my brainpower, savvy, reasoning, wisdom, discernment, cleverness - I'll get back. It's likely, for example, that recovery will run into the declinations of age, so that premorbid functioning will prove impossible. Time sucks. But not being able to read is considerably worse. (Don't be confused - I can read this, I can read what I write. A book is a labor. Not easy. But the love is there).
Here goes the old college try. Now, I was born with an incredibly funky body. I never ever imagined that my impenetrable fortress of an amazing mind would leave me confused and wanting. It was my first love; it has danced with sickles through my heart. I have always been able to use my mind to keep the challenges of my body at bay. Believe me when I tell you that it's hard to use a compromised mind to fix a comprised mind.
My joke: If my brain doesn't compose itself soon, I'll sue it. Let's see how that plays on Court TV. We'll see what wins. Mind or body.
Join me on my journey to heal my misbehaving brain. It should be fascinating, frustrating and fantastic. As my Grandmother used to say, "Don't worry, baby. It won't last. Nothing ever does." Here's hoping that Grandmother is right, that my cranial misbehavior will be temporary. Or that I won't know that it's permanent.
Deep breath. God's blessings. Here we go.
